Ask A Real Guy

Closing the submit form for a while

2010-03-05T17:12:00.004-05:00

I've answered all the questions I had on file and closed the submit form for new questions because I'll need to take time to change the software that runs this site.

I don't know when I'll be back on, but between changing the software and taking some personal time off, I don't seeing being back until the middle of the month.

When I do return, the site should have a different look.

friends have obligations to each other

2010-03-05T16:57:00.002-05:00

Age: 21
Question: This is probably a very vague question but I'm curious after reading a lot of your thoughts on guys and girls being friends. How much trouble will a guy go through to stay friends with a girl? Because you always say that guys are friends with girls because it is a situation that has no obligations for them (which is a point of view that I'm curious about because in my opinion even friends have obligations to each other). And I've been friends with a guy for about 2 years and I noticed that whenever we have an argument about something, he always wants to make sure we are okay with each other after that....and he's not getting anything girlfriend- wise out of this friendship (we've never done anything sexual....the most physical contact we ever have is hugging) and, while we do help each other when we need it, most of the time it seems like he's trying to help me out more than I help him. And I don't know if this makes any difference but he got me a Christmas present (and it was actually a very well thought out gift, not just something random he decided to get me) with neither of us making any hints of exchanging gifts, and he's been on a tight budget for months (I'm not sure if that indicates anything... I'm not a guy and I'm not even going to TRY to act like I understand guys :P). One of my friends is completely convinced he likes me but I'm not so sure....he does have girlfriend (one he never introduced me to and when I brought that up, he said thought he had....although he is sometimes a little absent minded).

VictorM's advice:

I'm willing to bet anything that your guy friend finds you attractive and has somehow indicated that. Am I right? Of course I'm right. That's because he wouldn't be that attentive with you and be "absent minded" about his girlfriend if he didn't find you attractive. So no, it's not just friendship that's fueling him.

I'm not saying he wants a relationship with you at this point, but he certainly entertains it in a future sense. He enjoys your company now, for what it is, and that's good enough for him. And the obligations he has to you as a friend, are night and day different from what they would be if he was your boyfriend. Totally different!

Why would a guy who may like you not want a relationship? For a lot of reasons: he still sees you as often as he likes; he may not feel ready for a serious relationship and would be a shame to spoil it bt going for it now; he's enjoying the physical benefits of other girls without having to give up time with you, or put in reverse, he gets to spend time with you without giving up being with other girls (one of those many obligations I'm talked about above).

He may never take a step into romance with you. He may see you as that girl that is too perfect, too nice, too wonderful, and more appealing from a certain distance. Why? In one word: fear. He could be figuring (incorrectly in my opinion) that he'll always have you as long as you're just friends, but if you become lovers, given the statistics of such partnerships, he's more bound to lose you. I say he's wrong because the moment you find a serious boyfriend, particular if this new boyfriend objects to your friend's presence, your friend will most likely be history. Not just because of your boyfriend's objections, but if you truly are in love with your new boyfriend, your time and energy will be dedicated to him, not to your pal.

My boyfriend and i have a great relationship, but...

2010-03-05T16:36:00.003-05:00

By: Neda
Age: 19
Location: NY
Question: My boyfriend and i have a great relationship, but recently i have found him drunk messaging a lot of his female friends. is that a sign that he might be cheating? or could it just be a friendly thing? we are in a long distance relationship. he messages his high school female friends who he hadn't been talking to since high school ended. why doesn't he send ME long messages when he's drunk? is something wrong? or am i worrying too much?

btw, thank you for listening to me vent.

VictorM's advice:

I think it's safe to assume that the more time and energy a guy spends on other females, whether he's drunk or sober, it can't be a good sign for you. Now, that doesn't mean he's cheating, or that he even would, but it does reflect a need that you can't satisfy.

To some extent, all of us appreciate, and may even seek, the attention of others. It validates our self worth and makes us feel more connected. He doesn't have to write long letters to you because he already feels validated and connected to you. Conversely, if he becomes connected with one of those girls, he won't be sending them more long emails either. So, in a strange sort of way, it is a good thing you're not getting a long letter; that he finds the need to write other girls long letters is a bit more troubling. More so, because I suspect, he's not just connection with old friends; he's connecting with females, and I bet, females he finds attractive.

Distance is a killer. It's hard to keep focused on just one girl when a) you can't touch her and enjoy her physical presence, and b) when it's so easy to just reach out to other women. You asked me in another question what you can do to spice things up, but I don't know of anything you can do from afar. You're at the mercy of distance, and that's rarely a good thing.

weird timing in my life

2010-03-05T13:24:00.002-05:00

By: Melissa
Age: 27
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: About 3 weeks ago my ex husband contacted me through email and we havent seen or spoken to each other in almost 5 years.
I'm confused. I wouldn't have responded to his email if it wasn't such weird timing in my life and obviously things are weird in his as well.
He texts me every day all day now since we started talking again. IM going home to visit for a couple weeks and he recently moved back and wants to get together.
He flirts with me and says hes excited to see me but at the same time he says his feelings aren't the same for me anymore and then he contradicts himself and says he knows when he sees me his feelings will change. I'm so beyond confused at this point. He wont talk to me on the phone he said hes not ready which I don't push. I never push for information. I just keep it light but my curiosity is starting to get to me. Ive always loved him and never stopped. I always thought we were meant to be together. I also asked if this was about closure that he doesnt have to see me to get it.
It's been a long time. He's single now and I'm single. He flirts and then pulls back. He sounds just as confused as I am. I just want to know if he wants me back. I told myself to see him to see how he feels about me and already know how I feel about him and what I'm going to feel. I just don't want to get hurt. How do I know without actually asking him?! Or letting him know that I want him back as well?
Help!
Melissa

VictorM's advice:

Why did the marriage end? And what leads you to believe that whatever caused the break-up has been fixed? You know, in most cases, the issues that broke a couple apart, come back to haunt them again and again. Things don't get fixed by magic.

Out of loneliness, depression, or desperation, we cast aside common sense and let ourselves drift into fantasy. Or, what's most likely, he knows you love him and nothing boosts a guy's ego like getting the attention of a girl who likes us more than we like her. He could be checking back with you because unlike you, he's not afraid of getting hurt. He knows he's getting adulation without risk. And he could be flirting with you simply because he knows he can. He knows you won't reject his flirting, and so it makes it safe to do.

I'm not saying he may not be having a change of heart, but I'm saying I doubt it. I doubt that he'll want to give you another chance, and even if he does, I doubt you can make things work the second time around unless you resolve the roots of the problems in the first place.

I have a new boyfriend

2010-03-05T13:15:00.002-05:00

By: Breena
Age: 17
Location: Arizona
Question: I have a new boyfriend. I've known him since September and we've become good friends. I'm a little..nervous(?) about our relationship. I think its just my fear of getting hurt. He asked me out Saturday, but we didn't kiss :P I get confused on whether or not I like him but I think its fairly obvious that I do since I always giggle and smile when someone mentions his name. Do you have any ideas for being more comfortable around him and getting to know him better? =) thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Being a little nervous and not being sure you really like him is quite normal. That's why people date, to see if they are a fit. Sometimes the relationship gets better with time, sometimes it doesn't. That's what it's all about.

As far as fear of getting hurt, well, that's understandable but anytime you allow another person to be part of your life, the risk is always there. There's no way around it other than being a hermit.

Getting more comfortable is not a gimmick or a technique. It's actual a good tool to let you know if he's the right guy for you or not. If he is, being comfortable will happen soon; if it doesn't happen, chances are you're just not a good match.

She's a party girl

2010-03-05T13:01:00.002-05:00

By: Toni
Age: 38
Location: California
Question: He's my age. She's 12 years younger. She's a party girl. He's a Peter Pan. Ultimately, theirs began as an FWB kind of relationship. Now he wants to be exclusive. She has four boyfriends including him and apparently doesn't want exclusivity. He knows all the others. Uncertain if all the others know about him. At any rate my question is why? Why would a man who supposedly doesn't want to be tied down, want to tie himself to a girl who essentially embodies Tinkerbell? Sleeps with other guys. And seems to basically be a female version of him. They flirt, but no real meaningful conversation. Nothing truly deep. Is it ego for him? I realize you can't read minds ... but on the basis of what you've said in the past regarding such relationships I can't quite figure this out. Any incite you have would be appreciated. And thanks for your blog. You don't know how much you've helped me find my way through the fog of uncertainty that is dating.

VictorM's advice:

Romantic/sexual attraction is hardly rational. Go thought my archives and you'll see tons of references by girls who's partner calls them fat, ignore them, curses at them, but... they'll say: "I love him with all my heart." Girls aren't the only ones that succumb to this false sense of what "love" is. Ego, fear, insecurity, low self-esteem... the causes can be endless.

Some people can't live without drama, even as they decry drama. Some can't live without chaos even as they decry it. Who knows what strings are pulling this guy to that girl. But just because it's not rational to you, and it may not even be healthy for him, it is nevertheless very much part of the human experiment.

Guys love a challenge. Getting a girl to give up 3 boyfriends for him would be quite an accomplishment. Quite an ego boost. Plus, he must see other qualities in her that you don't. Or, he may dump her once she agrees to his conditions. For many people, the trip is more fun than the destination.

"kangaroo pouch"

2010-03-05T01:39:00.004-05:00

By: Laura
Age: 24
Location: Texas
Question: I have a "kangaroo pouch". That's my husband's nickname for the pesky post-baby weight that has endured despite countless sit-ups and ab work-outs. He says it doesn't bother him, but his actions and interest in me have definitely changed. He's also been spending a lot of late nights on the computer...if you know what I mean. I feel like I'm losing him. Aside from getting a tummy tuck, what can I do?

VictorM's advice:

You can stop doing sit-ups and ab work -- they only make the "pouch" seem bigger. Think about it... you have that layer of fat/skin in the outside of your mid-section. If you develop muscle underneath, the muscles gets bigger but the muscle is under the fat. What happens? Your fat seems larger. What you need to do is more aerobic work to burn off the fat. If and when you lose most of the fat, than ab work will be good to tone the mid-section.

Other than that, take him at his word. Guys are not as picky as girls are with themselves. Has he lost interest because of your looks? I doubt it. Your life, with a baby and all, gets more hectic. Both of you get more stress, more sleepless nights, more responsibility, a baby hanging around, and it's natural that the sexual drive suffers. Trust me, after a while, it comes back.

As far as him looking online... well, who doesn't look online these days for that stuff? It has nothing to do with you, really.

The only picture he has of me

2010-03-05T01:32:00.002-05:00

By: kacy
Age: 39
Location: fl
Question: My boyfriend of 9 months has a facebook where he posts pictures. He has a lot of himself on our trips but none of me or us together. The only picture he has of me is under family and it is blurry. If they didn't know most people would think I was his cousin or something. I feel like he is embarrassed or something. Thoughts?

VictorM's advice:

I have no idea if embarrassment is the reason, but it's almost a safe bet that he doesn't have good intentions.

he is adventurous, as am i

2010-03-05T01:25:00.004-05:00

By: krista
Age: 18
Location: US
Question: i have been texting this guy, who goes to a different school. he seems to show clear interest without giving himself away too much. he and i are both fairly busy, so we have only been texting. he tells me all the time how he wants to hang out, hear my story about things i allude to via text, hear my laugh, catch up on things since we were last in school together years ago. he is adventurous, as am i. and i was wondering, should i make a move and ask him to go with me on this adventure i've been wanting to go on? or wait for him to ask me to hang out? is he just using me for someone to entertain him via text or might he have some interest?

VictorM's advice:

A guy would not text you unless he has some interest.

Sure, ask him on an adventure. Just don't tell him you like him until he says it first.

he wanted something of mine

2010-03-05T01:16:00.003-05:00

By: Paige
Age: 17
Location: NC
Question: My boyfriend told me that he wanted something of mine. Like, clothing, something personal, anything. Something that will always remind him of me. I asked him to give me some ideas and all he says is "I'm sure whatever you pick out, I'll love." I have NO CLUE what to give him. Help me out?

VictorM's advice:

A pair of panties. Preferably a pair with your scent on them. The scent could be your favorite perfume, or, if you're the naughty type, some other, more natural, scent).

I love my boyfriend with all my heart

2010-03-05T00:30:00.004-05:00

By: Angel
Age: 20
Location: Texas
Question: I love my boyfriend with all my heart. I would do anything for him, and I know he would do anything for me. We're always together, we cuddle, he does whatever to make me happy, he hates it when I'm upset, he always tells me how lucky he is to have gotten me, he loves to spend his time with me. We just work so well together. His girlfriend before me said she loved him but she cheated on him, and slept with a bunch of guys. So he tells me that he promised himself that no matter what, he would never say he loved another woman ever again because she hurt him so bad. I understand, but I also think that it's not fair for me to have to pay for her mistake. Anyway, usually if we're leaving each other, I'll say "I'll miss you, now say it back" and he'll reply "I'll miss you too." But one day I said it and he accidentally said "I love you" instead, I know it was an accident, but do you think he meant it? I didn't say anything about it I just pretended not to hear it because he said "I'll miss you" so fast after saying I love you. So today I asked him why he doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him, I told him "I think you do love me and you're just afraid to say it", and he said " I'm not going to say it." Do you think that means that he does and he just doesn't want to say it? I'm asking because it really hurts to love someone and not know if they love you back, I've never felt this way for anyone, and I just need some advice, I just don't know what to do. I'm not say we're some goody 2 shoes couple, we argue and fuss like everyone else, but I love him so much. Please give me some advice.

VictorM's advice:

I love you, Angel. I love you so much. Ever since I read this submission, I can't stop thinking of you and I miss you so much that I have read this submission 100 times just to be bring me closer to you because I love you so much with all my heart and I'd give my life to make you happy.

Words. That's all. Just words. I can say them, any scoundrel can say them, whether we mean them or not.

After all that you said about how you are together, how he treats you, you still need to hear the words to know whether he loves you or not? That's nonsense.

I'm not dismissing the importance of saying those words to each other. Of course he should say them to you, if indeed he feels that way. The fact that he doesn't say them doesn't invalidate his feelings towards you, but it does say something about the man.

I understand about being wounded and taking some time to heal, but his reluctance now, his promise to never say those words again... come on, that's not just a temporary behavior reflective of pain; that's behavior reflective of a bonehead.

The words slipped out once. Do they mean anything? No, they're just words.

One more thing, about this comment:

I'll say "I'll miss you, now say it back"

Stop saying that he has to say it back. He should say he misses you IF he misses you. Women who fish for those words are insecure and annoying. You come across as a nagging mother or overbearing school teacher when you do that. Those are not good associations to make.

I'm entering relationship freak out territory

2010-03-04T11:23:00.002-05:00

By: Alyssa
Age: 26
Location: NJ
Question: Victor, as per the advice of yourself and other posters, I am in the process of finding a place to seek some counseling over my issues with trusting within relationships. Until that happens, I was looking to pick your brain again.

I'm entering relationship freak out territory. Strange thing about having a psych background is that I can pin point where they come from but don't know what the heck to do about them. I have residual "trust issues". I was taken advantage of sexually by someone I knew and worked with back when I was 19. It took me a while to be able to tell the boy I was seeing at the time about it and when I did, he withdrew emotionally and physically for quite a while. By the time he was ready to be ok again, I no longer trusted his ability to be there for me and the relationship deteriorated and ended. In my next long term relationship, when I eventually told the boy about the incident, he placed a lot of blame on me (I don't fight back hard enough, I didn't tell people soon enough), which made me feel alienated from him and isolated in my emotions. Another time, when I told him about another relationship I had had (at his request and prodding), he became very judgmental and told me I wasn't the person he thought he was and withdrew affection for a while. I was with the first boy for 4 years and the 2nd boy for 4 years as well.

So as much as I love having a good time and my general persona is the loud, goofy, crazy ass, sarcastic, pain in the butt that is usually dominant, whenever people try to break through the defenses I have come to put up over the years to protect myself from being bailed on, I don't know how to balance that. I don't know how to be open without revealing everything or feeling vulnerable and thus scared out of my mind of then being hurt.

My current boyfriend of 3 months was hell bent on breaking through my "toughy" exterior but in doing so, kind of opened a flood gate (and as I just described, I have some baggage and didn't want to unload all that right off the bat). And in talking with me about what he hopes of in the future (he has said that he has never felt this strongly about someone so quickly and can envision us getting married/having kids/being together always), I get ridiculously scared that he's going to become disenchanted with me and not want to stick around. I have told him that his discussions about the future make me a bit apprehensive, as though I need to reveal more about myself than I am ready or that I have to place more trust in him than I am initially willing to give. A guy friend of mine agrees with my nervousness about my boyfriend being so serious so soon (I have told the guy friend that it makes me question the validity of his feelings and his intentions because if he can fall for me so quickly and so intensely, does that in turn mean his feelings can fade and he can flee equally as quickly and recant on what he has said he wants for us?)

It really is at this couple-month-mark that I generally freak the heck out because it seems to always be the crossroads at which things either take course for aiming for a future or just fading off. I guess I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and not have my past issues recur and become a burden on my new relationship because of how much this kid does mean to me. Yesterday, I got quiet over something small and when he asked what was wrong, I told him I was feeling awkward for a moment about something he had said (a joke made in front of his friends) but that it would pass. When we left later, he asked what had happened and I told him why it had bothered me, that I wasn't sure why it did because normally it wouldn't and that I was just feeling a little off and not to let it affect his normal behavior when he's with me and his friends together. It evolved into him asking why I seem to have difficulties trusting him and I told him about the negative sexual encounter of my past and about the reactions it had received before. He said that he understands that a lot of guys, upon hearing something like that would think "baggage" and not want to deal, but that he's still here and not going anywhere. He didn't really seem to want to talk much more about it other than asking what he had ever done to indicate that I couldn't trust him with that kind of stuff. I told him a lot of it was just time. I expressed that sometimes I get nervous when he talks about the our wedding/our future kids/etc. because it makes the stakes so much higher this early on and that it requires a faster level of trust than I am comfortable with. He said he understands that he needs to earn the trust and that in terms of the future, we have only been together 2 months and he doesn't have a crystal ball and obviously doesn't know where things are going to end up but that he hopes when we have difficulties, instead of branching off on different paths, we will work as a team and skip off towards the same future together. That the base of the relationship and of our personalities and values are solid and that it would only ever be little communication glitches or behavior glitches that would seem to trouble us. He says when we're "on" we're so on and have a great relationship and that we need to be a team to work on the other things. He also brought up in terms of trust, that I can leave too, ya know, wake up one morning and decide this isn't what I want and that I don't want to be with him, which I think was him trying to remind me that it's scary for him too but that he wants to live in the moment with an eye on the future too...

So that was yesterday. He called me before bed last night after he left (telling me he loves me and asking if I'm ok) and also texted me this morning as usual and now we are both at work. My issue right now in the moment is that I just can't help but dwell after these "serious conversations" where I talk about why something small upset me or why I get insecure at times or have trust issues. And I revealed some big stuff last night (and he said he knows he pushed it out of me because he had thought, based on other clues) that something to that effect had happened to me in the past. However, I worry that these serious and often teary talks are going to be a catalyst to drive him away. And then that makes me over analyze behavior and becomes viciously cyclical, keeping me from being the self that I know and love and greatly enjoy.

After his birthday weekend (which is what my last post was about, if you recall), I think in the follow up comment I posted that he had said a couple of days later that he had been really frustrated after that and that in past relationships, frustration and things like that pushed him away and caused retreat. But that he decided "Not this girl. Talk to her. She's worth occasional frustration because of all the good" and that it really reaffirmed to him how much he loves me and cares about me and is confident in our future. But in terms of other patterns in MY past relationships, I focused on the fact that he DID have a thought of bailing due to frustration, which kind of reinforces the difficulty I have about being open and trusting that a partner will stick with me through bad times as well as the fun times.

I know I'm all over the place (which is why I am looking for a counseling center) but I would like some input in the immediate. What do you make of this? Is he too serious too fast? Is yesterday's confession of my trust issues and negative past experiences likely to drive him away? How do I "recover" normalcy without dwelling after tough talks where I feel vulnerable?

VictorM's advice:

I'm glad to hear that you're looking for professional help. But reading your long submission leads me to believe that you're a lot more "normal" than you think.

What separates people like Special Forces, police officers, and others who deal with dangerous situations from the rest of us is not that they don't feel fear as severely as we do; it's that they learn to cope with the fear. In other words, courage is not the absence of fear; it's acting in spite of it.

So, given your prior experiences, it is totally normal for you to have the feelings of mistrust that you do. Any notion that you shouldn't, is basically expecting yourself to be less than human. As a human being, your fears are totally warranted. And you seem to try to be doing the right thing, which is that once you recognize that your fears are coming to the surface, you're trying to deal with them. Holding off debate is a way of doing that. Giving yourself some time and space is a step in the right direction.

You also seem to be beating yourself over the guys you dated who didn't handle very well the information that you gave them. But here, you didn't nothing wrong. In fact, if there's any good from your terrible experience is that it has helped you weed out flawed men. Yes, those 2 guys you spoke about are simply the type of men that no good woman should ever be with. You didn't make them that way. They are superficial jerks, and relaying your situation only helped you flush them out sooner rather than later. That's a reason to rejoice, really.

Your current boyfriend is going over board with his adulation of you. That type of intensity is not sustainable, and often it fades away. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him, that he's playing a game, or trying to mislead you. Men react that way out of deep sincerity. His affection for you is truly genuine. Of course, we know it's caused by chemicals released by his brain into his body which make him "blinded by love," "in cloud nine," seeing you "thought rose colored glasses," etc. but what he says and does, he's sincere about. Even if you know it may not last.

So, don't see behavior with suspicion. He's sincere. Just keep your feet on solid ground for now and wait till he comes down to earth. And he will. But for now, what to do? Well, let him enjoy those feelings of euphoria. You don't have to agree to marriage and all that crazy babel, but you also don't have to put the brakes on it. Just sit back, laugh inside if you must, be amused that you can have that affect on another human being, and let him go. Let him wear himself out. Then, once he comes back down to earth, you can deal more realistically with where you two might get together.

Once he settles down and those chemicals subside, who knows how he will react. Maybe he'll lose interest in you, maybe not. But none of this is trickery or foul play; it's just real life happening to both of you. And if things don't work, well, you have been there before. Your life will go on. There will be another guy, another chance... and that's what life is all about. But give yourself the best chance with this guy by accepting that neither you nor him are perfect and that even some missteps need not spell disaster.

If your confessions drive a guy away, rejoice that you found he's not the guy for you before wasting years and years with that flawed guy. Your past experiences need not be an anvil around your neck; they can be an excellent tool to weed out non-worthy men.

PS. I've closed the submit form for a few days, but if you still want to talk, join the forum. I'll still respond there.

I’m 22, shy, yet confident

2010-03-03T13:21:00.002-05:00

By: Jen
Age: 22
Location: LA
Question: I have never had a BF, sex or been kissed. I’m 22, shy, yet confident… but I have been rejected/ “not seen in that way” by all men I have ever been attracted to…I have lost weight, and people stare at me when I walk into a place regardless of what I am wearing or my hair. Men and women alike. Its not because I am hideous, actually some people complement me as beautiful or cute.

My issue is when I do see men i am attracted to given my record of being rejected I cant muster up courage to smile or even make an effort to speak…I am into a guy who works at a local café I frequent (not because of him but the food…) I actually just noticed him. But I know he’s seen me for months…I smile… I can’t look long enough to see if he smiles back…but he doesn’t show interest beyond that. He stares…but he could be daydreaming…I don’t want to show interest as last time I did that with a man he instantly asks me if I like to have sex…so what do I do? Where is there a happy medium? Should I slip him my number? I know I have nothing to lose I guess I am just a little jaded for not having any success thus far in my life.
help!

VictorM's advice:

You have to make some effort and realize that, yeah, there are some losers out there. Such men exist in large quantities and there's nothing you can do to curb their existence. And they don't torment just you; all women have such stories to tell. What you can do, and should do, is to weed out such men and continue your search for a better quality man.

But you have to make a stronger effort if you want better results. The steps are simple:

1. Smile (and hold your gaze long enough to see if they smile back).

2. Learn their names and greet them using their name ("Hi, John") and a smile. Tell them your name too.

3. Guys love to show off to girls about things they know a lot about. So, get into the habit of finding out what a guy is passionate about and bring those topics up.

But just because a guy looks at you or smiles at you, doesn't mean he's not married, engaged, in a relationship, gay, or simple not willing to settle with one woman. Finding a worthy mate is not easy. So abandon hope that it'll happen magically or easily.

Now, go out there and try a little harder.

We have been on the same swim team

2010-03-03T13:13:00.003-05:00

By: Ellie
Age: 17
Location: Navada
Question: I've known this guy practically since i was 10 years old. We have been on the same swim team since then and have always been friends. We have grown up together and lately i think that he might have feelings for me, and i definitely have feelings for him but i'm not sure what to do.

I don't want look like a fool and ask him, and then really he just likes me as a friend because that would make everything awkward. but reasons i think he might like me are because he is always touching me (not in a perverted way but like hugs)is constantly flirting with me, and tries 2 make me jealous (which works)

What do u think I should do?

VictorM's advice:

It's understandable that you don't want to express your feelings in case he doesn't feel the same way. But, don't you think he might feel exactly the same way?

Anyway, I don't think you should tell him how you feel. What I suggest you do is start behaving like, and treating him as, a date. By that I mean, behave exactly as if he was a guy you met yesterday that caught your attention. How would you dress to see him? Would you dress up, put make up on, fix your hair, wear perfume, etc.? Would you look at him more suggestively, flirt back, tolerate him talking about other girls?

I'm saying start acting with your friend less like a friend and more like a romantic prize if you want him to see you in that light.

fairly verbally aggressive

2010-03-03T12:54:00.003-05:00

By: Marie
Age: 21
Location: London
Question: I broke up with my ex nearly a year ago mainly due to his possessive behaviour. A few times his tone would become fairly verbally aggressive and I became worried he might hit me.

I started dating my current boyfriend 5 months after breaking up with my ex. He is lovely and completely different, but I can't help but worry when he gets grumpy that he's the same as my ex. I know I am over-reacting but I don't know how to clear the past. I am still in regular contact with my ex as we share many mutual friends.

Any advice?

VictorM's advice:

First, kudos for breaking up with your ex.

Second, stop all contact with your ex. So what if you have mutual friends? You don't have to have contact with him.

Third, you're probably right about the new guy being a lot like the old guy, even if in many ways he could be different. Why do I even say this? Because absent a major revelation in your life, you are most likely to subconsciously get attracted to the same type of guy over and over, as much as you don't think so.

What is it about your ex and your new guy that you really like when you felt the strongest feelings about them? What personality trait of theirs most impressed you? Whatever that is, is something about yourself that you feel you lack. And so, you gravitate to the same type of guy because they all exhibit that trait. And guys with that trait, whatever it is, are more likely to be possessive or controlling or abusive at some point.

How to change that? Work at developing that trait in yourself, so that it doesn't become such a magnet.

We are all prone to being attracted to people who exhibit certain traits that we feel we lack, but if our childhood was marred by more acute drama, mostly dealing with a father or dominant male figure, we spend a life time trying to compensate and make up for what we perceive was our failure. If I'm right, your father or dominant male figure was abusive to either you or your mother. You might have tried to "fix" him but weren't able to, and have internalized his behavior as your failure. Consequently, subconsciously you look for similar guys to give you a change at a do-over.

Am I in the ball park about your childhood experiences?

Confidential to Nina, in South Korea

2010-03-03T12:42:00.002-05:00

Hi Nina. Every time you submit something I have to close the submit form because it takes days to read your stuff. :) (J/k!)

Well, I don't know about the embarrassed part, but I do know that, as I mentioned before, a shy guy will go out of his way to seem that he's not interested in the girl he is interested in. It sounds counter-intuitive, but shyness is a lack of trust in people. If he likes you but doesn't trust that you won't ridicule him for liking you, he'll hide his interest in you, yet will show it from afar. Now, don't personalize this lack of trust; it has nothing to do with you, it has all to do with how shy people view the world.

I don't think you should ask him out. I think you should make a greater effort to smile at him, greet him using his name, and find out what he knows a lot about and engage him on those topics. The best way to get a shy guy to talk to you is to ask him about topics he's very knowledge of, and to praise him for that. Again, it has to do with trust. If he's talking to you about things he knows a lot about, he trusts you won't laugh at him, and he'll be able to impress you.

Also very important, respect his desire to not talk at times. Putting any pressure on him to do so, will only exacerbates his lack of trust in you.

Confidential to Kate

2010-03-03T12:27:00.002-05:00

When you say a long distance relationship is not the problem because he's had one before, I have to disagree with you. I think that because he's had one before is precisely why this one won't work. He knows there's virtually nothing rewarding about long distance relationships.

Spending endless hours at the computer can be fun for a while, but it's also a big waste of your time and energy. People need contact... touching each other, kissing, holding hands... real life stuff.

All you're going to get from spending so much time online are pimples on your ass.

Go to the mall, to the gym, go run in the park, heck, stand by a bus stop -- these are all better options than chatting online with some guy who runs hot and cold with you. By the way, my guess as to why he runs cold sometimes? He's trying to find someone locally. You're the fall back plan. The "better than nothing" option.

How do you tell a guy he's a lousy tipper?

2010-03-02T13:14:00.002-05:00

By: Marie
Age: 23
Location: Texas
Question: How do you tell a guy he's a lousy tipper? It's a touchy subject.

I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. Things are going well but every time we go out he tips $2.00 regardless of what the bill is. Tonight the bill was $32. I was always taught that you tip at least 20% for good service. I have offered to cover the tip but he's determined to pay the whole check (which is a good thing, I know). The last few times I have grabbed whatever cash I have and secretly given it to the hostess or waitress on our way out.

How do you talk to a guy about what he tips? It's a touchy subject.

VictorM's advice:

Lousy tippers are the scourge of the earth! Unless it's a cultural issue (such as being from a country where tips are not customary), or ignorance (not knowing waitresses' salaries are very low and most of their income comes from tips), this could be a strong sign of things to come when it deals with him showing his lack of appreciation for anyone who does something for him.

This may sound like a small issue, but it's important, depending on his views. And it doesn't matter that he pays all the time. He may be the type to have no problem paying for what he consumes, but has a problem recognizing the effort of others. If this is so, it could reflect a personality that takes others for granted. Today is the waitress, tomorrow it could be you.

I suggest you deal directly and openly with this issue. Say something like, "I've noticed that you normally tip a lot less than the social norm of 15 to 20%. I'm curious what your view on tipping is." Pay close attention to his answer. A "it's their job and I don't even have to give them anything" answer will tell you a lot more about this guy and how he'll deal with you than you can imagine.

Met guy online. Clicked.

2010-03-02T13:05:00.002-05:00

By: D
Age: 23
Location: Canada
Question: Hey! First of all, thank you so much for your patience in dealing with us confused and angsty females (occasionally males) and your great advice. I've gotten advice from you before and it worked like a charm.

I'll try to keep it short and sweet.

Met guy online. Clicked. (heh heh heh, sorry). Met in person. Had great time. Lots in common. He said "would you like to hang out again?" I said "yes, would love to", he said "I'll get a hold of you via dating site". I said "great!" He did not try to kiss me. Maybe he had been mildly considering it, but I was nervous enough not to have noticed unless it was a full-on swoop. Anyways, haven't heard from him since.

At what point do I stop hoping to hear from him? And can't I contact him? Please?

PS. where can I meet guys?

VictorM's advice:

Men do the dating website thing differently than girls. You girls meet a guy you like and you stop all the presses and get attached like he's the last man on the planet; guys, on the other hand, like to get their money's worth from these sites and date as many women as they can.

I'd say he's out there exploring other matches and he may still come back to you. And if he likes witty women, he will come back to you (that "Clicked" thing? WITTY!)

You should join activities that you like as long as mostly men participate. This way, your odds of meeting men with similar interests go up, but even if you don't meet someone special, you can still enjoy your time there. So, for example, if you're a movie buff, join a movie club; if you like to ride a bicycle, join a cycling club; if you like art, hang out at the museum, etc.

I got up the nerve to ask this guy out

2010-03-02T12:58:00.002-05:00

By: Lilly
Age: 30
Location: Kentucky
Question: I got up the nerve to ask this guy out that trains at the gym where Ive been working out. He seemed to pay a little extra attention to me when we were there. I saw him at the grocery store and we chatted for about 30 min then I asked him if he would like to go to a movie and he smiled got a little nervous and stuttered for a sec then said "Ive got some things going on in my life right now that I wouldn't wanna get anyone involved in.....I just got out of a relationship", he said. I said ok and he asked if I was gonna be nervous around him now and I said no, but the truth is that it does make it awkward considering I will see him 3 days a week at the gym. Question is: Was that just an excuse that he gave me or does it sound like a truthful answer?

VictorM's advice:

It's an excuse, but I wouldn't see it as a dead end sign; I'd look at it as a "slow down" sign. Guys are rarely eager to plunge into a relationship without getting to know the girl informally first. And they prefer to do the chasing.

the greatest gift I can give my husband

2010-03-02T12:39:00.004-05:00

By: Melody
Age: 18
Location: England
Question: Hi :)

I am a Christian and want to wait until I'm married to have sex. I feel like my virginity is the greatest gift I can give my husband. Would a guy see it as something special? Or just not care?

Are all non-christian guys going to run miles from me?

If a non-christian guy is interested in me, do I tell him about my "no sex before marriage" thing before or after we start an official relationship?

Thank you! :)

VictorM's advice:

"I feel like my virginity is the greatest gift I can give my husband." Most guys would tell you that's the greatest pile of bullshit ever!! So no, most guys won't see it as something special. Most guys will see it as a gigantic gamble, seeing as sexual compatibility is important and waiting too long seems crazy and idiotic.

Most non-christians won't run away simply because they'll see you as the ultimate challenge and will try to make turn your promise into dog poop. And we love a challenge!

I think you should be straight about your sexual intentions with any guy you date on a steady basis, but not while just casually dating.

breaking up via text message

2010-03-02T12:31:00.002-05:00

By: Amy
Age: 22
Location: Massachusetts
Question: What is your feeling on breaking up via text message? My boyfriend did that to me recently and I've heard everything from "He's a coward" to "He just didn't care enough about you to do it in person." You always give such good advice so I'm wondering what you think.

VictorM's advice:

He's a coward. But... most guys are cowards about breaking up with a girl. That's because you girls get all weepy and crap, and want to know why and when and what and why and when and what and why and what and when... it can be draining. That's why some guys just disappear, and some... well, use text.

Of course, most of you girls live and die by texting (he has to text X number of times a day, he has to reply within X minutes of your text) and you see texting as a great communications tool, yet when a guy uses that tool to communicate something you don't like, all of a sudden that's not good enough.

OK... felt good to rant about it... but going back to your question, yeah he's a coward.

he still calls me when he is drunk

2010-03-02T12:24:00.002-05:00

By: Kristy
Age: 21
Location: Australia
Question: This guy even though i didn't realise it at the time had been 'chasing' me for about a year.

He ended up meeting a girl on Christmas 08, but he still calls me when he is drunk and texts me often when sober, sometimes giving me huge compliments and seriously flirting.

Just before christmas he rand me whilst he was drunk, he called me beautifull, and i said that that was something he should save for his girlfriend he replied " yeah i have ____ but you'll always be the girl of my dreams" A month later they got engaged.

I'm confused we never went out or anything!! So what does it mean?

A. Joke flirting between friends ( because i always laugh it off..and then so does he)
B. Was it a last minute attempt to see if he had a chance before he decided to pop the question to his girlfriend. or
C. Is he still hung up on me a little coz of the 'what if' factor and it will pass??

Thankyou

Confused :/

VictorM's advice:

I don't think it's either A, B, or C.

Guys flirt to feel good about themselves, not as a reflection of attraction for the girls they flirt with.

This guy flirts with you because he knows you won't shut him down. His ego is safe with you.

I met a guy who was 22 years older than me

2010-03-02T12:14:00.002-05:00

By: Shannon
Age: 26
Location: Michigan
Question: Hi there. Four months ago, I met a guy who was 22 years older than me but who I was instantly attracted to. We met at a sporting event where I was competing as well as his 16 year old son. He ended up subbing on our team every so often and I would make conversation with him each time and really developed a liking to him but due to our age gap and the fact that he's very "country", I didn't expect much. Also at this point, he didn't show me any interest other than "friendly"
After months of him filling in here and there, I invited him out to my favorite restaurant after bowling. He came out and brought his son. We had a really good time even though he doesn't drink a drop of alcohol and I like to party. Anyway he came out and he ended up coming there a second time weeks later (again with his son in tow), staying until 2am even though his son had school the next day. The day after that things started turning around for me.
All of a sudden he was texting me all day, which I was happy about as I was really into him. At first they were friendly texts but they took a sudden sexual turn later that day. We set up a few dates which were awkward because he brought his son on all of them & also because the "sexting" I felt came out of nowhere. On the third date we slept together. At that point we were still texting every single day. A few weeks after we started sleeping with each other on a regular basis, he stopped texting every hour on the hour. Then he would go almost a whole day without texting. I questioned whether he was losing interest and he assured me he wasn't. At this point I was spending the night at his house 2-3 times a week and had met both kids (daughter is 4 years younger than me) and a few coworkers.
I should point out here that whenever we spent time together it became more and more apparent that we had very little in common but I was willing to work on that. He never really seemed interested in what I had to say, though I tried to take an interest in his constant talk of car repairs and home depot trips and other small town talk. Sometimes I would talk about work or my education and he would appear disinterested. Also he liked to make dirty sexual proposals to me in front of his kids which made me uncomfortable and his ex-wife (divorced for 4 years, she left him for their friend)called every single morning to make sure the son was up for school.
Anyway the texting continued to dwindle and then he stopped inviting me over as much and when he did, we went a while without having sex. As I have been blown off and hurt several times in the past, I started to panick and told him I felt he was losing interest. Again he said he wasn't. However he would make jokes about how he was doing all the work sexually. So I tried to step it up, even though I'm self-conscious & was also nervous/uncomfortable having sex with the kids in the house.
Fast forward to now. It has been 3 weeks since we have seen each other. He has a busy work schedule and bends over backwards for his kids, blah blah blah. He tells me when his days off are but does not contact me on these days and I'm too full of pride & resentment now to contact him first. 2 weeks ago, I asked if he wanted to stop seeing each other and again he said no. Now the texts come maybe three times a week, still sexual in nature occasionally. I no longer initiate them and it's making me so upset I can't stand it.
So my question is: do I walk away, assuming he's lost interest? What could I have done differently here? This was my first time dating a divorced man with older kids and I'm afraid my fear of getting hurt maybe messed this up since I had a hard time reaching out and initiating.

VictorM's advice:

"Assuming he's lost interest?" There's no assuming -- he has lost interest a long time ago! But that doesn't mean he won't want sex with you whenever he feels like it, so he has nothing to lose by saying he hasn't lost interest, when asked. And he's probably not lying, it's just that your definition of "interest" is different.

You getting hurt often stems from your inability to see the obvious and bailing out in time. Come on... sudden sex talk, taking his son to dates with you, talking about sex with you in front of the kids, talking about car repairs to you, ignoring you when you talk... for crying out loud, what does a guy have to do to let you know he's totally wrong for you?

He has been taking his mom to bingo every Saturday

2010-03-02T11:46:00.003-05:00

By: Kim
Age: 25
Location: North Dakota
Question: Victor,
I have a question about a guy that I like. He has been taking his mom to bingo every Saturday for the past month (too cute btw), as I have been going with my aunt. We have been talking, and he shocker, took her on V-Day, and I went with my aunt as well. He's been pretty regular about going, and we've talked a few times, and he smiles every time he sees me. Why hasn't he asked me out yet? He obviously likes me if he went on Valentine's Day, I mean let's face it. Who likes bingo that much? The problem is, I can't stand going, and I feel like just not going anymore, but that's the only place I see him. What do I do?

VictorM's advice:

Do you even know if he has a wife, girlfriend, gay, or is interested in someone else? And even if the coast if clear in this respect, just because you caught his eye, and he enjoys seeing you, does not mean he wants to go out with you. Guys like scoping out a girl without any sense of obligation.

Next time you talk to him, tell him that you're thinking of not going to bingo. If he doesn't ask to see you or stay in contact with you, take that as a strong hint that you're just Saturday eye candy.