Ask A Real Guy

Like, is this guy code?

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:30:00 +0000

Submitted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008
By holly:

victor,

can you please tell me what you think about these comments that a friend of mine made, he is severly confused (in my opinion) about his feelings. what he said about girl A. she is sweet, fun, spontaneous, ambitious, beautiful, loyal the list goes on and on i can't help but be crazy about her.
girl B. she is sweet, kind, funny, and attractive, she's a great girl & treats me like a king what more could i ask for.

do you have an opinion on these comments as in what do you think he really is feeling for either of these girls..lol like, is this guy code?

VictorM's answer:

No, it's not code. It just means that he likes more than one girl. There's nothing surprising or confusing about it.

Our society pushes us to settle with only one partner, but feeling attraction for many girls at once is very natural and quite common.

How can i make him stop?

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:20:00 +0000

Submitted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008
By Kate, 14, from Boston:

so, this has to deal with the guy from my last question. as we became friends last fall, we grew close quickly and i ended up liking him, but put the feelings aside because the friendship was more important to me. my feelings ended up showing through eventually and ultimately ending our frienship. after a lot of mixed feelings and talking, we cleaned up about 2 months ago, and since then i have been working on moving on. but what really, really bugs me is the guy can’t move on. i have no desire to be friends with him anymore at all, but what he’s been doing has really pissed me off. for months (but more often recently), he’s been telling everyone (it seems) that i have “the hugest crush” on him. i know this because a good number of people have come to me asking if it was true, not to be rude or nosy, but just to confirm. i’ve denied it every time someone’s brought it up because i really no longer like him. i think this is really strange that he seems so obsessed with my liking him. why is he doing this? and, how can i make him stop?

VictorM's advice:

He says it probably because it's his impression that it's true and besides, it doesn't hurt his reputation or his ego.

You could ask him to stop saying it. I doubt he will but it won't hurt to ask.

You could be devilish and admit that you liked him but you lost interest because [pick any or all of the following]: he has bad breath, it seemed like he didn't change his underwear often cause he stunk at time, he didn't know how to kiss, his penis is the side of a pencil eraser, say "yes, I liked him, [laugh really hard] I don't know what was wrong with me."

OK, I don't really recommend the above.

What's the big deal if he says you had a huge crush on him? Yeah, it's an exaggeration but who do you think your friends will believe? Besides, there's nothing wrong with having liked someone.

Does this mean that maybe he just wants sex from me?

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:04:00 +0000

Submitted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008
By Confused, 24:

I have known this guy for about a year now. When i first met him he acted like he was interested in me and even straight up told me that he liked me. The only thing that he had told me though was that he was skeptical about calling me or hanging out with me because he is friends with my brother. To set the record straight him and my brother are not very close friends but they kind of have the same circle of friends and have known each other for a few years. I told him that my brother was cool and for him not to worry. I have given this guy my phone number several times and we have been flirting with each other since we have met. He has not called me. In the year since i have known him he has had 2 girlfriend buy yet he still continues to flirt with me and act like he's going to call me even when i know that he has a girlfriend and he won't. Why would he still flirt with me and ask me for my number repeadely if he has a girlfriend and has no intent on calling me? So now present day its still the same thing we continue to flirt when we see each other except now he's single again. The other week his best friend told me that he liked me and i told his friend that i liked him too. So the next time i see him his friend calls me out and tells him that i like him (totally embarassing). We hang out for the rest of the night and he AGAIN asks me for my number and we kind of make plans but not really set in stone plans because yet again he tells me that he's skeptical because of my bro and my friends. On the exact day (a week later) that he told me that he was going to call me he does! Too bad i was taking a shower and didn't pick up. It says that he left me a voicemail so i listen to it and it just sounds like noise. It sounds like he may have accidently called me because i can hear weird noises in the background and the message is long like he didn't realize that he accidently called me and hung up the phone. I call him back and it sounds like someone picks up the phone but nobody says hello and i hear that weird noise again in the background then the phone hangs up. I call him back a second time and he doesn't pick up, it rings and then goes to voicemail. I didn't leave a message and he didn't call me back. A week later and he still has not called me. What should i do? Even if he did accidently call me how in the hell would he accidently call me on that specific day a week later. I'm thinking that maybe he called me on purpose and just didnt want to say anything? I don't know, it's weird. This guy has also told me that i'm dangerous and that he's scared of me. What does that mean? ALSO the last time i saw him he kept telling me that he wants to take me home and he was rubbing my thighs and ass and he kept staring at me weird. Like he would stare at me smiling and then when i looked at him he would look away. He also kept blowing my hand repeadely and blowing on my neck and making a fart noise. I thought this was really strange but i like the guy so.. Does this mean that maybe he just wants sex from me? Im really confused!!!!!

VictorM's advice:

What is it going to take for you to realize this guy is not interested in you? How many times are you lowering yourself to give him your phone number when it's clear he's not going to call?

Guys flirt with girls like you (that is, girls that like the guy more than he likes her and continue to act like lap dogs even when they are ignored) because they can. Pure and simply, because they can. This guy knows you won't set him straight, and it feeds his ego to know that some silly girl out there has it hard for him.

And why the question about him wanting you just for sex when you're the one pursuing him? It's not to say he wouldn't like to have sex with you, but doesn't sound like he has even tried.

Let's see if you can get this straight: THIS GUY HAS NO INTERESTED IN YOU, SEXUALLY OR OTHERWISE. YOU ONLY SERVE TO FEED HIS EGO AND NOTHING MORE.

I did apologise profusely about it

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 07 May 2008 23:55:00 +0000

Submitted on Monday, May 05, 2008
By anna, 37, from scotland:

I had been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months and everything had been going well, seeing each other regularly, he was texting me morning, noon and night every day for the whole time i was seeing him. I was quite relaxed about the whole thing and never once put him under any pressure. We had a disagreement (I had a bit of an insecure moment fuelled by a cynical friend, it was entirely my fault and I did apologize profusely about it), and he then said i was putting pressure on him and he was stressed with his work and didn't need any pressure, he then went silent on me. I repeatedly asked if he wanted the relationship to end, he has never said that our relationship is over, but he just said that he didn't know what to think or say at the moment, when i eventually asked him "look, you either want to see me or you don't", all he said was that he didn't know what he wanted and needed to sort things out. This all happened nearly three months ago now. Whenever i text him he never ignores me, he always answers. I had not contacted him there for 4 weeks and then i had an urge to text him a couple of days ago. I just text him saying hello, and that i was still missing his company, and hoped he was ok. He responded immedietly, general convo about how he hadn't been well for the best part of the last 3 weeks and then said that the previous weekend he had been in the pub that I go to. He also ended his texts this time with kisses, which he normally doesn't do, even if i put kisses on mine, he did tho put kisses on his texts when we were seeing each other. My question is this, do you think that this guy is just making polite conversation with me, or do you think he may be starting to come round and have thought things through and get interested again?

VictorM's advice:

It's possible he's interested again. The one way to find out is to stop texting him and see if he texts you.

I say it's possible he's interested, but frankly, it's not likely. Once a guy has to think about things, and it takes over 3 months, that's generally a sign that the magic is gone. And in this last case, you were the one that initiated the texting, not him. That's not very reassuring.

He said I hurt him

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 07 May 2008 23:42:00 +0000

Submitted on Monday, May 05, 2008
By Diane, 35, from Tulsa OK:

I dated a guy going through a divorce...when he started dragging his feet I put the relationship in a time-out till he could complete the divorce...he said I hurt him and moved on to someone else whom he got engaged to within 2 months of leaving me. What did I do wrong in this case and how should I have handled it?

VictorM's advice:

I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, things turned out quite nicely -- you got rid of a sensitive little baby who probably would have made your life miserable.

Go out and celebrate your good fortune. Who knows, you might run into his ex-wife celebrating as well.

I just feel really crummy at the moment

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 07 May 2008 23:33:00 +0000

Submitted on Sunday, May 04, 2008
By Jane, 17, from The land of confused:

Okay, hmm where to start? Ok I was sort of wondering since your awesome in giving advice and I love you don't sugar coat it for us you just tell it like it is, let me tell you something, that's what we NEED.

Ok, for my question. You see I have a problem. There is this guy and I've liked him for a long time and sometime last year I decided to take a chance and I sent him a message that asked him if he wanted to go see a movie or something. Well he never wrote back at all. My brother whom he is friends with, says that he is just ubber shy and that I shouldn’t think on it. Well I got over it, or well as the old saying goes time heals all wounds. I won't lie, it hurt like hell. So it's been almost a year and then yesterday, BAM I see him and he sees me and I didn't talk to him cause he seemed really busy (he was working). I just feel really crummy at the moment. Cause I really like him and I can't do a dang thing about it. So now I sit here debating with myself to send him a message and be like, "Hey I do believe I saw you the other day..." Or if I should just forget about it and try and move on. Help me, please. Let me add that I really like this guy, and you know I kind of always have. HELP!

VictorM's advice:

You should try to contact him and get something going if you can.

The way I see it, if you don't contact him, you'll be crummy and will have zero chance of ever getting with him. If you contact him, sure, it'll be crummy if he turns you down but at least you have some chance of hooking up with him.

And believe me, the crummy of not ever knowing is a lot worse than the crummy of getting closure. So... contact him and take your chance.

Smart to date an ex?

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 07 May 2008 02:40:00 +0000

Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Mareike, 21, from Chicago, IL:

I've been dating a guy for a little over a month now. I dated him when I was 17 before for about a year, and it ended because I moved pretty far away for a couple years and I was really immature about little things that were insignificant. I guess I just wasn't ready at all for a long distance relationship. So I guess I have two questions, the first being is it not smart to date someone again that is an ex? I've heard that alot before, that if it didn't work before, there must be a reason it won't again. Also, I only see him twice a month currently, more often in the near future. He's very hesitant to talk on the phone with me though. He says its because he doesn't like to hear my voice knowing he can't physically be with me. I guess its just annoying to not have any contact in between the two weeks of not seeing him. Is he being honest do you think?

VictorM's advice:

I would believe him about the phone thing. I think most guys feel that way.

Under the circumstances you described, I would think it's OK to date an ex. You were both too young and the breakup happened mostly for reasons beyond your control. Don't let that stop you from trying again.

He is very closed about liking any girls

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 07 May 2008 02:33:00 +0000

Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Sarita, 18, from Virgina:

What is going on in his head?

Okay so its almost time for prom and guys and girls are getting together and whatnot. For over one year i've been 'head over heels' for a guy. We had classes with one another last year, and we talked during those periods. Last year we fought, we scowled, we argued , I got pissed, he apoligized, I flirted, etc. This year we don't see one another much. Sometimes after school we'll talk about colleges and schools.

He is very closed about liking any girls, he asn't made any crushes public to his friends (i'm friends with one of his friends), and one of his friends asked him to prom and he said "I don't want to go with anyone" to her. Whenever I'm alone with him we can't stop talking about school, colleges (all safe topics).

I don't understand if he's not interested or if he's very secretive about his crushes. He talks to girls perfectly fine, but I don't know if I should make a move or wait for him. Help me please!!

VictorM's advice:

He sounds like a guy who knows what he wants. I'd take his behavior as not being interested in you. Further, I would take his friend's statement that he never talks about girls to mean that he doesn't talk about you.

Move on, Sarita, move on. Besides, unless you're both going to the same college what would be the point?

Do guys remember random girls?

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 07 May 2008 02:24:00 +0000

Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By sam, 20, from nyu:

Well its me again! i have not seen the guy for some time now...i saw him recently in the hall but i was caught off guard and nervous...i smiled a small toothless smile and looked at him a few times then down pretending to look at my ipod. i must have looked so dorky...He smiled a nice smile...but i don't know if he was smiling at me or someone he knew behind me? (he had sunglasses on) so it makes me unsure. PLUS he doesn't know my name and since it has been a while. Should i stop and introduce myself? do you think he would remember me? do guys remember random girls?

VictorM's advice:

Hi sam. Great to have you back. How's the family? The kids? The cats? I have missed you so much. Yes, yes, I'm kidding. I can't possibly remember every submission and I'm having a hard time remembering your question.

Anyway...

Yes, you should introduce yourself and ask for his name. Hopefully, he has a better memory than I do.

I recently got a feeling that something isn't right

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 07 May 2008 02:12:00 +0000

Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008

By Dee, 23, from Louisiana:

I have a very serious problem. I have been dating someone for two months now. I think he is a sweet guy and we get along well, the problem is I recently got a feeling that something isn't right. My car broke down a few days ago so I got him to pick me up from work because I couldn't find another ride because I work at a club and get off at 2 am. Anyway, we had our first kiss that night. Nothing major just a peck on the lips. He picked me up from work yesterday as well, but this time we sat in his car and talked for awhile. To make a long story short he attempted to kiss me on my neck and touch me and places that he knows I'm uncomfortable with. I told him to stop and he did but then he got this scary look in his eyes so I got out and went inside. I don't know why he thought we would go from our first kiss to something more the next day. Now I don't want to talk to him anymore but I don't know how to tell him because I have a bad feeling about him now. I'm scared because now he knows where I live and work. What to do?

VictorM's advice:

If you have a bad feeling about the guy, you can stop seeing him, but sounds like worrying because he knows where you work and live is overkill. Nothing about what you said makes it sound like the guy poses a danger to you.

I think you're making an issue about nothing. I don't mean to minimize how you feel, but frankly, you're 23, you have been dating for a couple of months... a kiss on the neck and an attempt to go further sounds like very normal behavior to me. If on top of that, you have known him to be a gentleman during this whole time and he stopped when you asked him to, I think you're the problem, not him. The guy sounds normal to me; you sound like you're a scary cat 12 year old not ready to date.

If he's smart you don't have to worry about telling him you don't want to see him again -- he should stop seeing you and look for someone that's better suited for him.

He told people a couple of times to throw the ball at me

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 07 May 2008 02:06:00 +0000

Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Emma, 11:

This guy is always staring at me in the same when we're in the same room and when i look at him he looks away. in gym he told people a couple of times to throw the ball at me. then he flirted with me once

VictorM's advice:

Yes, it sounds like the beginning of a wonderful friendship... but he's probably too scared to do anything else about it. That's OK. He'll still like you 5 years from now. For now... just hit him with the ball between his legs and see him jump around like a monkey on a hibachi table.

I like this guy but i'm not sure if he likes me

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 07 May 2008 01:57:00 +0000

Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Serena, 15, from NY:

I like this guy but I'm not sure if he likes me. At first I thought he likes me cause he's always nice to me but he's also nice to every other girl. He's the shy type, he's nice to everyone even though he doesn't even like them. He doesn't talk much though. He used to go out with my best friend but she cheated on him and dumped him. My other friend thinks that he still likes my best friend. There are other girls who like him and would go out with him. I always try to talk to him. Once I was sitting next to him ands these other girls called him to sit with them and he did and I would be sitting alone by myself. Every time on msn I would always be the one to talk to him but he never talk to me first. He tells me about his family and all and I do too to him. I make him laugh and joke around. Once I said I loved him as a joke to see his reaction and there's this one time I said it in another language he said not to say that cause it seemed like I was asking him to go out with me or marry so I told him I was joking. I said it again and I said serious and so he said he love me too but I told him that he was lying and his answer was if he's lying than i'm lying too but I said i wasn't :) But I don't know if he does like me or he's just trying to be nice, like he's nice to other girl who likes him and I know cause that girl told me. He acts normal. He only talk to me if only i start the conversation first. I feel like I'm trying too hard and that maybe he's not interested at all and just trying to be nice. Does he like me? What can I do? Give me some tips please :)

Thanks for taking your time to read this.

VictorM's advice:

You are trying too hard. Guys like to chase girls and you're not posing much of a challenge. He knows he can have you anytime he wants. That takes the fun away from it.

Make yourself scarce and see if he comes after you. If he does, be nice and make it fun, but stop with all the lovey-dovey baloney.

I liked this guy for a long time

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 07 May 2008 01:46:00 +0000

Submitted on Friday, May 02, 2008

By cindy, 21, from U.S:

I liked this guy for a long time (years) and we've hung out a few times. How do I tell him that I want them to turn into dates? He thinks of them as friends hang outs (which they are), but he doesn't take hints so nothing is going to lead to anything.

I want to tell him that I want to date him. I think he might be interested in someone else now and that's why I want to tell him before anything happens between them. Do you think I should? I really can't take it anymore.

VictorM's advice:

Well, if you can't take it anymore, then ask him. But don't go expecting great results. I say this because I don't think it's a case where he doesn't take hints; I think he doesn't want to take them. Chances are that you're friend material, not girlfriend material.

But than again, you won't really know how he feels unless you ask. So... ask.

I feel our time for anything more is now

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Sun, 04 May 2008 18:25:00 +0000

Submitted on Thursday, May 01, 2008
By F, 29, from CAnada:

Me and my best friend who I love eventually acknowledged that we had feelings for each about a month back, however timing meant that we couldn't really be together in a relationship. He wasn't/isn't ready due to some issues that he needs to sort out and I am leaving the country. Out of respect for him, as I know he needs to sort himself out, I chose to not pursue it.

However, the friends-only thing has become very frustrating. We've inexplicably got closer, touching knees and blatant footsie going on, mainly by him, staying up till the early hours of the morning and general staring at each other. I am going away for the year in 4 weeks... I know our friendship will always be there but I feel our time for anything more is now.... my question is am I right in thinking he feels the same and should I just go for it??

Thanks

VictorM's advice:

You are sadly mistaken if you think your friendship will always be there. You may become lovers or you may not, but you'll never be the kind of friends you were before.

Just because he touches and flirts with you does not follow that he would be interested in more at this time. You shouldn't assume he does. However, given the interest you have shown on each other, what's the point in not going for it? Going away and dealing with the "what if..." is a lot worse than even a flat rejection. You need to know where things stand and how to live your life while you're away.

I want him to know before its too late

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Sun, 04 May 2008 18:00:00 +0000

Submitted on Thursday, May 01, 2008
By Marianna, 18, from Brooklyn:

There's this guy at work that I am really interested in. I know he likes me because he tried asking my sister what kind of guys I like! He asked if I was single. I got more info from a friend of mine who is like a father to me..he got info from him saying that he likes me. But the guy I like has no clue of what I think of him.

I don't get him, he asks me questions, little questions. Maybe I'm overreacting but I don't know. Either he's too shy or he's scared that I might say no to him "IF" he decides to ask me out!

How do I talk with him, and make him know that I am interested in him?

He talks to other girls fine, but me he hardly talks except when he passes by he smiles or looks at me. Or at times when we are looking at each other he smiles at me. He helps me put things in their right place in the store. (we work together). basically if i need help he says "ill do it for you"

What do I do? I dont know how to let him know I am interested! I want him to know before its too late.

VictorM's advice:

Maybe your guy is shy or afraid of a "no", but there's a good chance that he's just being smart and learning more about you before he starts spending his money on you.

Girls see a guy they like and want to get him ball-and-chained even before they know if he's a mass murder (and even if he is, they feel they can reform him); guys, on the other hand, once they like a girl they want to find out more about her before they are ball-and-chained to her. Your guy is still in the learning phase. Give him time.

I suggest that you don't overtly tell him that you like him. Instead, let him chase you. Guys love the process of romantic conquest.

Things got intense

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Sun, 04 May 2008 17:20:00 +0000

Submitted on Wednesday, April 30, 2008
By Haley, 22, from Boston:

So...I just don't know what to think anymore about this guy I have been seeing. We started off just having a friends with benefits relationship. Things got intense...he started seeing another girl...I got mad and ended it. Well we ended up hooking up with eachother again...and we do having amazing sex. Anyways, I stayed over his house Saturday...went to breakfast in the morning. Then Sunday night he called me and asked me to come over. He was hysterical and upset about his brother who had passed away a year ago. I didn't know what to do...but I sat and listened and he thanked me. Do you think the crying in front of me means anything? Now him and his friends hate one of my best girlfriends. We got in a huge fight about it the other nite...and he said not to put her in the middle of me and him. I said okay. I called him today, and he said he wasn't mad at me. I am not talking to my friend right now because she called him one night screaming at him for talking about her and being mean to me. He's not mean to me...sometimes he is just odd and kiss me hello...other times he is all over me. During sex the other night he said he loved me but I don't think he realized it. We are not dating...I don't know what to do. I really like him...but I don't want to seem pushy. What do you think is up? PLEASE HELP ME!

VictorM's advice:

Crying about his brother was a spur of the moment reaction that has zero reflection on feelings for you.

Telling you that he loves you during sex does not mean that he loves you. It's another spur of the moment reaction.

Your chances of getting him interested in you besides sex will be very slim as long as he keeps getting sex from you under the current conditions. Guys like a girl that's an easy fuck but they won't respect her. And guys prefer a serious girlfriend they can respect.

I was being hypercritical

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Sun, 04 May 2008 16:20:00 +0000

Submitted on Wednesday, April 30, 2008
By charlotte, 26, from san saba:

I met a guy in my office building a few months ago. We hit it off immediately as friends. Now, about 4 months later we are boyfriend/girlfriend. Problem is when he was showing me something on email, I saw an email from a popular website and it was regarding a personal he placed on this website. I was not even aware that this website had personals. I looked on there and sure enough I found his profile. I have not been able to stop thinking about it, but have decided to wait a week or so before I say anything. Last night we hung out and being that I cannot stop thinking of the profile he has on this website, I was being hypercritical in evaluating how he was acting towards me. Truth be told, after he finished doing what he was doing, he was acting pretty normal and was sweet to me. I was a little sarcastic. When he walked me to my car, he was kissing on my cheek and then I pulled him closer and said come here and I kissed him on the lips. Then my feelings of insecurity washed over me and i said: "you are being kinda weird today". As he closed my car door, I don't even think I looked at him. I feel badly for leaving like I did - so immaturely. I called him later that night not too long after I returned home to tell him that something real quick-left a cute message-and I never heard back. What do you think of my behavior. Could he be that mad?

VictorM's advice:

I suppose he could be mad but if you're basing your submissions on him not returning a call from one night earlier, particularly when he didn't seem to be mad, I'd say you're jumping the gun.

Just ask the guy about the profile instead of letting it eat you from the inside. There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation.

He just fools around with me and jokes around

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Sun, 04 May 2008 16:14:00 +0000

Submitted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008
By Angel, 15:

I have a male friend who is 24 years old. Whenever he comes to my house, he just fools around with me and jokes around. Often when he uses my computer when I'm using it, he wraps his arm around me, but it isn't something like a hug. And when I go to my bed for a lay, he would come too and just go on top of me. I cannot understand how he feels. Does he like me?

VictorM's advice:

I would say he is fond of you and likes you physically, but I doubt very much that romantic feelings are involved.

Reconnecting with old friends

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Sun, 04 May 2008 16:10:00 +0000

Submitted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008
By Kate, 14, from Boston:

How do you reconnect with a guy who you were friends with before? I was good friends with this guy, but then he found out I liked him. We talked it over a few times, but talking really didn’t make anything better, it just put everything on the table. The big thing he mentioned is that I made him really uncomfortable, which I really didn’t mean to. I apologized, and now we basically don’t talk. When we do, it’s very cold, formal and unfriendly. I miss this guy a great deal and would really like to be friends again. Do you have any suggestions? Please help!

VictorM's advice:

Friendship is like doing the tango -- it takes two to make it work. You may wish all you want to regain the friendship but if he's not up to it, you should respect that and spend your energies making other friendships as good as they can get. Besides, if you show too much desire for him, it just confirms that you have feelings for him that he doesn't have for you, further scaring him away. Give him time and space and he might still come around; try too hard and you just push him away further.

I'm his first serious girlfriend

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Sun, 04 May 2008 15:55:00 +0000

Submitted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008
By lovely, 24:

Dear Victor,

My boyfriend I are in a long distance relationship for 8 months and have been together about other weekend. I'm his first serious girlfriend, and am positive he cares about me deeply. Two weeks ago he missed our weekend due to a lot of work (he's a student and his funding depends on grades) and he's going to miss the next two and I the third one due to a trip.

This is hard on me because he can't be here for me and I miss him a lot and at first I was angry and depressed and he realized this and asked me if it was really worth it for me. I contemplated this and realized that I care for him enough that I'd rather deal with the distance and be with him and have a good time with someone else next to me.

Problem is, that now he's acting distant and keeps going over this point that I brough up months ago about how it's so hard and he's just making me sad and he doesn't want to see me sad. When he talks to me now, he's very short and distant and doesn't even bother calling me anymore (big deal because he is not a private person and shares almost ALL his feeling with me, especially when it comes to work). I know he's very stressed and depressed right now, and he continuously mentions how guilty he feels that he can't be there for me. I don't want my relationship to be ruined by a couple of finals, but I really don't know what to do. Do I just let him be? This is the perfect opportunity for me to show him how much I care for him and that I can be there for him, but because I've never seen him like this before and nothing that has worked in the past is working now, I am completely lost on what to do.. and it's breaking my heart.

By the way, I do have hobbies, job, life and don't need to keep myself any busier, so don't tell me that. It's hard for those things to make you happy when someone you love is suffering and you don't know how to help them.

Thanks so much!

VictorM's advice:

Well, lovely, I won't tell you to get hobbies, but I will tell you to drop the melodramatics. Your boyfriend is "suffering"? Your characterization seems to grossly exaggerate the situation and the rest of your submission suggests that you're the only one who can cure such malady. Both assertions sound wrong to me.

Guys are problem solvers. They like to deal with their own problems. The best you can do is stay out of the way and let him deal with his situation. I'm sure he's stressed. I'm sure he feels some guilt. And I'm sure they are both temporary measures that will go away once finals are out of the way.

Go out with your friends, carrying on with your hobbies, be a sympathetic ear if and when he does call to talk about his work or school but do him, and yourself, a favor and stop acting like you're his mommy.

He doesn't know what he wants

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Fri, 02 May 2008 18:13:00 +0000

Submitted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008
By luz stewart, 19, from california:

What does it mean when a guy says he's confused and doesn't know what he wants?

VictorM's advice:

It means he's a coward who's afraid to tell you that he knows he doesn't want you.

I told him everything

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 05:06:00 +0000

Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Kristina, 19, from Oregon:

Hey,

So quite a while back, i wrote you asking if i should tell this guy how i felt eventhough he had a girlfriend. Well, i found out he was going to be leaving not too long ater that and that he would be gone for quite a while. So i still hadn't mustered up the courage to tell him eventhough i knew that he knew and at times it seemed like he was practically begging me to tell him how i felt. So on our last day together before he would be gone, i said goodbye but before i was even on the elevator, he started texting me. he kept this up for the rest of the day and he was saying things about how he was confused and had a lot to figure out. well, that night he asked if we could talk so of course i said yes. He called me and asked what all our time together had meant to me. So i spilled it, i told him everything and he told me he and his girlfriend had broken up and he was thinking about if he and i could be together. So we talked over the next few days and 4 days later he told me he was trying to work things out with his ex and couldn't talk to me for a while. That was over a month ago and he still won't talk to me. I know i didn't do anything wrong because he asked me to tell him how i felt but i cant help but feel like it's my fault. we were always friends before anything else, so why can't we at least still be that?

VictorM's advice:

Your confession changed the dynamics of the relationship. He may still come back and reach out to you as a friend but chances are that your relationship will never the same again.

I've been dating this amazing guy

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 04:57:00 +0000

Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By DJ, 23, from LA:

I've been dating this amazing guy for about a month now. I think he is very sweet and we share the same relationship values and connect emotionally and intellectually. The problem is that he wants to become a couple but I'm not sure. I like him but I feel that we shouldn't be in rush to be together. Another concern is that he got out out a year and a half relationship 6 months ago. Do you think he is ready for another relationship?

VictorM's advice:

I don't know if he's ready or not. A lot depends on how the relationship ended. But barring them throwing knives at each other, he should be ready. First of all, a year and a half relationship is not that long and six months is long enough to get on with life.

But it sounds like you're not ready yet, which is a twist to the usual story where more often than not the guy is the one wanting to wait.

I'll say these things:

-- Amazing guys don't grow on trees.
-- Dating for one month is not enough to know if he's really that amazing.
-- Don't rush into anything unless you're comfortable.

I should not have asked him to lunch

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 04:48:00 +0000

Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Nita, 40, from OK:

Victor: I read your response http://argville.com/2008/04/dress-to-impress.html. I couldn't decide what I should wear and called a friend of mine. She provided comments (not on what to wear, or hairdo) but that, in her opinion, I should not have asked him to lunch - that if he is interested, he should ask me out. I was a bit surprised by her outburst and now I'm having second thoughts...can you shed light on this?

VictorM's advice:

I think your friend would be right if the guy had been showing the desire to ask you out, but if I remember correctly, he hasn't. So, what are you to do? Wait for a call that may never come?

Maybe he's not interested in you yet, maybe he never will, but by having lunch with him you give yourself the opportunity to impress him. You're taking the initiative and making things happen.

I think you should go to lunch with him.

I'm in a great relationship... but no sex

noreply@blogger.com (VictorM) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:00:00 +0000

Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Toni, 26, from PA:

Ok here goes...I'm in a great relationship, for a year now actually. We'd been friends for a while before, and even in a band together (which is still going). We have a ton of things in common, both love music, both love video games...the list goes on. There of course is just one problem. He never, and I mean never wants to have sex or be intimate at all. We've gone 2 months already with him not even trying to touch me. I mean sure he'll kiss me and tell me he loves me, but nothing physical. I've talked about it with him and he basically says he can't help it, its just the way he is, he just doesn't think about that stuff. I've even flat out asked him if he's not attracted to me and he tells me I'm being stupid. I know he's been in bad relationships, especially his last who he now has a year and a half little girl with. We recently moved into a house together and I was hoping that would change things, but no luck. Do I just need to continue to give him time? I am honestly a very sexual person and if I didn't care so much about him this would be a bigger deal than it is (part of me wonders if he is testing me to see if I would cheat on him because thats been a big thing with him in the past), but honestly I'm tired of having to "handle things myself". Everyone (friends and family) has told me what a huge deal it is that he tells me he loves me and that HE suggested we move in together, and everything would be perfect except....Can you please please tell me what he's really thinking and if there's anything I can do other than wait?

VictorM's advice:

Have you written to me before about this? This question sounds awfully familiar.

In any case, a man in his 20's not having a sexual appetitive is not normal. You need to treat this as a medical condition that requires attention. There are a lot of possibilities for his condition, from physical to mental, but whatever the reason, he has to let a doctor address this, no differently than if he had cancer or diabetes.

Remove yourself from the equation. This has nothing to do with you. Assuming that this is a reflection of his feelings for you doesn't help anyone. The best you can do is convince him to see a doctor, preferably a sex therapist.